ZevaN Emotional Moments{‚ô•}

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I'm tortured even online...
Fuck that picture.
ARGH!

8 letters; 3 words; 1 meaning; ILOVEYOU 2:09 AM

For once, am blogging here in school. Here's a small update on what everyone is doing:

Xinni is still struggling doing out her level.
Chung Lam is happy that he managed to code out the weapons that Castalos wanted
Castalos, Daryl, HanMing and Byron viewing some funny shit linked on Failblog.org
Alvina doing some 3D modelling.
Weiqing programming some shit.
The 3 girls went off somewhere.
Jeremy drawing and talking to his friend...
And lastly, yours truly is taking a self-declared break and am blogging now.

Now they are asking me blast out my songs.
Lol.

Argh!
My tunnel in my level is not working.
I don't want to continue building...

And haiz, I don't know if I've did the right thing, breaking up with him...

8 letters; 3 words; 1 meaning; ILOVEYOU 1:15 PM

Garh, I don't know why, but you know how your heart starts to beat fast and you have this feeling of wanting to cry kind of thing? I think in malay is called 'hati rasa sebak' or something, but the main thing is that I'm so addicted to the song and the song have been played non-stop for the whole morning in school today and I'm still feeling that feeling all the way.

Haiz.

(The song is I'm Yours - Jason Mraz)

8 letters; 3 words; 1 meaning; ILOVEYOU 12:21 PM

I'm sure you all know about this fictional (I think) story about this guy named Dorian Gray?

I think I'm similar to him slightly, I don't look any much older than I was back in sec 1 & 2, neither did I grew taller and I hardly fall sick! Weird huh. But let me get to the point, just as Dorian could only get hurt/killed by first destroying his picture, I think my spiritual thingy or what-not that has settled in somewhere is being disturbed or something.

Why? Cos for a long time, I've never felt this tremendous pains throughout my whole body; sometimes it feels like someone is tearing my skin alive and my 'migraine' is increasing to twice daily and lasting for like a minute longer... I swear, it's so painful that I've to cry in pain; imagine Damian screaming in pain when he has leg cramps and times that by 5.

And my speech is getting from bad to worse, I'm like happening at every sentence I speak and when I try to read something in my mind, my mouth start shaking by itself.

If I'm a robot, I'll so gladly hope a scientist/mechanic can come fix me quick...

8 letters; 3 words; 1 meaning; ILOVEYOU 11:16 PM

I've been having problems falling asleep lately, even though I'm like yawning for like the thousand time already. Guess my brain is tired but my body isn't. And for the record, today, I've ~~cried~~ teared like 3 times today. All three were during shows that I was watching. Like my MSN nick, I'm such a sucker for those kind of shows.

I'm feeling kinda emotional now, so the following part is somewhat muddled..

I've been thinking lately, and I realized that though I have a number of friends here and there, none of them really really know about me or what I'm thinking about, secrets and etc.. Most of you only knows bit and pieces of me, pieces that I 'allow' myself to show. And I've been thinking more about it, but I can't find back the reason as to why I even put on this mask for like what, 7-8 years? I feel pain and felt like a jerk now knowing that I've been taking my friends for granted.

It's like how i used to call Damian my best friend in secondary school, but I kept secrets and lie about my daily activities only to have him find out the truth somewhere else. And I can't really remember the exact words he said but it was somewhere along the line of him feeling hurt and insulted that I didn't trust him and be honest to even like say something simple like me being gay or me going to ITE.

If I were to start from the lies and make up for it, i wouldn't know where to start. All I can say is that, I'm sorry and will be more honest about myself. And though I feel like just putting it all behind me, I keep having this burning feeling in me and it's like I just needed to let it all out . So I'm going to be like writing down old stuffs about me that I don't think I've told people before...

I hate myself so bad that I turned self-suicidal and like sadistic. I like to cut myself so I see blood and I did try to overdose myself with sleeping pills I stole from my grandmother, but my immunity system was strong or something, so I didn't really had much side effects. And people may think that I used to cut myself cos I was just depressed/rejected after a rejection, but it's more towards me hating myself. You can't imagine how dreadful it is for me to see myself in the mirror everyday. That's why I hardly go up to a mirror somewhere to like adjust my cap or shirt or whatever and also the reason why I hate to take pictures; one of the worse things to make me remember myself by.

To end of, I'm going to say two secret that people might find it offending or disgusting but I've been meaning to get it off my chest since secondary school..

I've been molested was kinda raped (not anal-y btw) in a public toilet when I was young, so that's why I kinda stay away from public toilets most of time. Even with friends, if I have to shit, I usually hold it all the way till I'm home cos I can't seem to get over that incident. That's why, in case no one realizes, I usually wait outside the toilet in crowds while my friends go in do their business.

People might have remembered me by the title of 'Land EXpedition King' due to my many times of skipping school. But don't you people find it weird how I never get caught or what? and how the hell I can managed to waste the time away all the time? It's true that sometimes, I do go for like long walks like from one side of singapore to another, but most of the time I'm at someone's house. Some random people to have sex with so as to get extra pocket money to buy things that I want but my family can never support. So usually, they are the ones that call up the school to act as my parents to say I'm not coming to school due to whatever lame reasons I come up with.

8 letters; 3 words; 1 meaning; ILOVEYOU 12:36 AM

School's going to start in a few hours time. Most people I know are like 'dreading' it due to having to slug it off to do work or projects, but surprisingly, I'm really looking forward to it starting. Anyway, I had a very nice day out yesterday. Was invited to Damian's birthday-slash-'farewell' celebration at the Straits Kitchen in Hyatt Hotel. It was like my first time in there and I really enjoyed the buffet-style food. For the first time, I'm eating food that can rival my mom's cooking! (I just got a very biased sense of taste.)

Company and ambience there was nice too, except the ever-so-diligent workers who kept clearing our plates and cutlery, which then I have to keep walking over to the side to get new cutlery. Was annoying when I went to take some ice-cream (funny though, they only put one scoop on a big bowl...) and came back to the table to find my spoon gone. So I had to like walk around (Damian said that the cutlery were below the counter near the plates,) only to find no spoon. So I went around and had to wait for the waiter(?) to like finish clearing another table before I asked him to give me a spoon; to which he told me to wait, and after awhile he brought me over to the other side back and gave me a new spoon. Feeling 'relieved' that I got the spoon I went back to what has become my durian soup... the ice-cream melted... So sad, was lazy to get a new scoop.

Anyway, got along well surprisingly with the addition of Dephanie to our old gang. Usual NS/DoTa/ etc.. topics came out.

And sorry, you all know how NOT a camera person I am, so there's no pictures actually. Maybe IF I manage to find some decent pictures from Damian's facebook, I'll post it up. But it will be kinda useless right since you all can see it yourself in his profile. Haha.

Anyway, stayed back after the thing to hang out with them. The usual crapping and lan-gaming. Got back home at like 10-ish and just rotted to sleep. (oh, that was after dota too btw.)

8 letters; 3 words; 1 meaning; ILOVEYOU 9:55 PM