I've been thinking lately, and I realized that though I have a number of friends here and there, none of them really really know about me or what I'm thinking about, secrets and etc.. Most of you only knows bit and pieces of me, pieces that I 'allow' myself to show. And I've been thinking more about it, but I can't find back the reason as to why I even put on this mask for like what, 7-8 years? I feel pain and felt like a jerk now knowing that I've been taking my friends for granted.

It's like how i used to call Damian my best friend in secondary school, but I kept secrets and lie about my daily activities only to have him find out the truth somewhere else. And I can't really remember the exact words he said but it was somewhere along the line of him feeling hurt and insulted that I didn't trust him and be honest to even like say something simple like me being gay or me going to ITE.

If I were to start from the lies and make up for it, i wouldn't know where to start. All I can say is that, I'm sorry and will be more honest about myself. And though I feel like just putting it all behind me, I keep having this burning feeling in me and it's like I just needed to let it all out . So I'm going to be like writing down old stuffs about me that I don't think I've told people before...

I hate myself so bad that I turned self-suicidal and like sadistic. I like to cut myself so I see blood and I did try to overdose myself with sleeping pills I stole from my grandmother, but my immunity system was strong or something, so I didn't really had much side effects. And people may think that I used to cut myself cos I was just depressed/rejected after a rejection, but it's more towards me hating myself. You can't imagine how dreadful it is for me to see myself in the mirror everyday. That's why I hardly go up to a mirror somewhere to like adjust my cap or shirt or whatever and also the reason why I hate to take pictures; one of the worse things to make me remember myself by.

To end of, I'm going to say two secret that people might find it offending or disgusting but I've been meaning to get it off my chest since secondary school..

I've been molested was kinda raped (not anal-y btw) in a public toilet when I was young, so that's why I kinda stay away from public toilets most of time. Even with friends, if I have to shit, I usually hold it all the way till I'm home cos I can't seem to get over that incident. That's why, in case no one realizes, I usually wait outside the toilet in crowds while my friends go in do their business.

People might have remembered me by the title of 'Land EXpedition King' due to my many times of skipping school. But don't you people find it weird how I never get caught or what? and how the hell I can managed to waste the time away all the time? It's true that sometimes, I do go for like long walks like from one side of singapore to another, but most of the time I'm at someone's house. Some random people to have sex with so as to get extra pocket money to buy things that I want but my family can never support. So usually, they are the ones that call up the school to act as my parents to say I'm not coming to school due to whatever lame reasons I come up with.